Hurricane!!!! AHHH!! FaRT!!

Today's Scary Thoughts are obviously dedicated to Irene--what a bitch!  I mean, I don't like to talk like that about others but really, kinda bitchy, Irene...

So we're about to be devastated by a natural disaster.  We can't even shoot it down with fighter jets or use an Uzi on it, and THAT is the hardest part for me and my fellow Americans.  Like, we just want to shoot it or I guess capture it alive and put Irene on trial.  WHY CAN'T WE JUST SHOOT IT?

They say there's going to be flooding and that would fulfill my dream to travel everywhere by canoe like they did during the fur trade.  And that is my plan.  Pilot a canoe through Manhattan.  I will trade cats.  No, I won't.  I will hoard cats.  All cats on deck! 

But I will miss electricity.  I am charging up all devices.  Even my back-up ipod with music from years ago.  Like I think it's all blues.  Early Stones.  That "Float On" song. 

We need radios to receive messages from our leaders.  So it's basically World War II now.  Except in this scenario, Mary and Moe and two cats huddle around my Sony Walkman.  Yeah, I still have mine.  It has a mix tape in it.  And it's the only thing that gets a radio signal.  I'm probably just going to wear out the batteries listening to that tape.  What's on it?  I used to make some pretty mixed up tapes, a lost art.

Really excited to eat my disaster snacks which include a variety of chips and dips, because who knows how I'll feel hour one of the hurricane--hopeful?  Eat the hummous.  Despair--full fat chip dip.  Or eff it, I'm soloing the ice cream bars.  Oh, don't forget the choco-mint destroyers from Trader Joe's or mini cookies in a bin.  And the omg the chili!

I actually might do more damage to myself staying inside than any storm could do.   Should I just go out there?

OMG IT'S RAINING!!

back to scary!

I have been away from bloggy too long!  But I had to get all things Casey Anthony out of my head.  I had to recapture summertime feelings.  I haven't even been watching my best friend Nancy Grace.

I'm a different person now. 

But I'm still scary.

Today's scary is lady magazines.

Lady magazines can be very helpful, ie. good ab workouts, nice things to do with heirloom tomatoes, jeans for my type--big pockets are very slimming :D

They can be very whatevery, too:  great snacks in Rhode Island (not going there),  new uses for a balloon= flower preserver, you guys! (ok...), and how to grill food.  I DON'T HAVE A GRILL!!  STOP MAKING ME MAD!!

But then some lady magazines can be downright SCARY.   That magazine's name is W.  More like WTF, am I right people?

First of all, it's giant.  Like, twice as big as other lady magazines.  So that means Julia Roberts getting sniffed by Tom Hanks on the cover is that much bigger and SCARIER!

Everyone in the magazine is so big.  Gwen Stefani head is totally freaking me out, whereas before I was only a little freaked out by her head.

articles are: Prada museum, lipo for your neck, highlights from Milan furniture fair.  AHHH!!

then there is this part: J'adore:  and there was Celerie Kemble's obsessions.  And they're all like, i love gold.  I'm obsessed with purses made of money.  I love the smell of flowers littered over every square inch of my life.  It's nice.  Seriously.  here is a quote: "i recently fell in love with a pair of 19th century Chinese earrings made of gilded silver and brilliant aqua kingfisher feathers."

are you so afraid of everything W now?

They even make the movie The Bridesmaids seem awful in their stupid interview and pictures.  And that movie is superfun!

Why is this happening to me?  Can you help?

Ok...I guess I got lady magazine crazy.  My mom got me a subscription to Rachel Ray.  And then it was so fun just to get something lady in the mail so I kinda got hooked.  They only cost ten dollars.  So I was like okay bring it on Whole Living, yes to Self, alright Fine Cooking!  And somehow W got ordered.

I'm going to go recycle these magazines now.  For you ladies out there.  Be careful of our magazines.  They will upset you and be too big heads and be upsetting to you until you put them in a blue box or grill them.

BUT I DON'T HAVE A GRILL!!!