Today's Scary Thoughts are obviously dedicated to Irene--what a bitch! I mean, I don't like to talk like that about others but really, kinda bitchy, Irene...
So we're about to be devastated by a natural disaster. We can't even shoot it down with fighter jets or use an Uzi on it, and THAT is the hardest part for me and my fellow Americans. Like, we just want to shoot it or I guess capture it alive and put Irene on trial. WHY CAN'T WE JUST SHOOT IT?
They say there's going to be flooding and that would fulfill my dream to travel everywhere by canoe like they did during the fur trade. And that is my plan. Pilot a canoe through Manhattan. I will trade cats. No, I won't. I will hoard cats. All cats on deck!
But I will miss electricity. I am charging up all devices. Even my back-up ipod with music from years ago. Like I think it's all blues. Early Stones. That "Float On" song.
We need radios to receive messages from our leaders. So it's basically World War II now. Except in this scenario, Mary and Moe and two cats huddle around my Sony Walkman. Yeah, I still have mine. It has a mix tape in it. And it's the only thing that gets a radio signal. I'm probably just going to wear out the batteries listening to that tape. What's on it? I used to make some pretty mixed up tapes, a lost art.
Really excited to eat my disaster snacks which include a variety of chips and dips, because who knows how I'll feel hour one of the hurricane--hopeful? Eat the hummous. Despair--full fat chip dip. Or eff it, I'm soloing the ice cream bars. Oh, don't forget the choco-mint destroyers from Trader Joe's or mini cookies in a bin. And the omg the chili!
I actually might do more damage to myself staying inside than any storm could do. Should I just go out there?
OMG IT'S RAINING!!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
back to scary!
I have been away from bloggy too long! But I had to get all things Casey Anthony out of my head. I had to recapture summertime feelings. I haven't even been watching my best friend Nancy Grace.
I'm a different person now.
But I'm still scary.
Today's scary is lady magazines.
Lady magazines can be very helpful, ie. good ab workouts, nice things to do with heirloom tomatoes, jeans for my type--big pockets are very slimming :D
They can be very whatevery, too: great snacks in Rhode Island (not going there), new uses for a balloon= flower preserver, you guys! (ok...), and how to grill food. I DON'T HAVE A GRILL!! STOP MAKING ME MAD!!
But then some lady magazines can be downright SCARY. That magazine's name is W. More like WTF, am I right people?
First of all, it's giant. Like, twice as big as other lady magazines. So that means Julia Roberts getting sniffed by Tom Hanks on the cover is that much bigger and SCARIER!
Everyone in the magazine is so big. Gwen Stefani head is totally freaking me out, whereas before I was only a little freaked out by her head.
articles are: Prada museum, lipo for your neck, highlights from Milan furniture fair. AHHH!!
then there is this part: J'adore: and there was Celerie Kemble's obsessions. And they're all like, i love gold. I'm obsessed with purses made of money. I love the smell of flowers littered over every square inch of my life. It's nice. Seriously. here is a quote: "i recently fell in love with a pair of 19th century Chinese earrings made of gilded silver and brilliant aqua kingfisher feathers."
are you so afraid of everything W now?
They even make the movie The Bridesmaids seem awful in their stupid interview and pictures. And that movie is superfun!
Why is this happening to me? Can you help?
Ok...I guess I got lady magazine crazy. My mom got me a subscription to Rachel Ray. And then it was so fun just to get something lady in the mail so I kinda got hooked. They only cost ten dollars. So I was like okay bring it on Whole Living, yes to Self, alright Fine Cooking! And somehow W got ordered.
I'm going to go recycle these magazines now. For you ladies out there. Be careful of our magazines. They will upset you and be too big heads and be upsetting to you until you put them in a blue box or grill them.
BUT I DON'T HAVE A GRILL!!!
I'm a different person now.
But I'm still scary.
Today's scary is lady magazines.
Lady magazines can be very helpful, ie. good ab workouts, nice things to do with heirloom tomatoes, jeans for my type--big pockets are very slimming :D
They can be very whatevery, too: great snacks in Rhode Island (not going there), new uses for a balloon= flower preserver, you guys! (ok...), and how to grill food. I DON'T HAVE A GRILL!! STOP MAKING ME MAD!!
But then some lady magazines can be downright SCARY. That magazine's name is W. More like WTF, am I right people?
First of all, it's giant. Like, twice as big as other lady magazines. So that means Julia Roberts getting sniffed by Tom Hanks on the cover is that much bigger and SCARIER!
Everyone in the magazine is so big. Gwen Stefani head is totally freaking me out, whereas before I was only a little freaked out by her head.
articles are: Prada museum, lipo for your neck, highlights from Milan furniture fair. AHHH!!
then there is this part: J'adore: and there was Celerie Kemble's obsessions. And they're all like, i love gold. I'm obsessed with purses made of money. I love the smell of flowers littered over every square inch of my life. It's nice. Seriously. here is a quote: "i recently fell in love with a pair of 19th century Chinese earrings made of gilded silver and brilliant aqua kingfisher feathers."
are you so afraid of everything W now?
They even make the movie The Bridesmaids seem awful in their stupid interview and pictures. And that movie is superfun!
Why is this happening to me? Can you help?
Ok...I guess I got lady magazine crazy. My mom got me a subscription to Rachel Ray. And then it was so fun just to get something lady in the mail so I kinda got hooked. They only cost ten dollars. So I was like okay bring it on Whole Living, yes to Self, alright Fine Cooking! And somehow W got ordered.
I'm going to go recycle these magazines now. For you ladies out there. Be careful of our magazines. They will upset you and be too big heads and be upsetting to you until you put them in a blue box or grill them.
BUT I DON'T HAVE A GRILL!!!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Not Guilty
12 people found Casey Anthony Not Guilty today.
SO SCARY!
I have been watching this case since the get-go. My husband has given me 24 hrs to be angry/sad/freaking out, so here goes!--warning: I have gone somewhat insane. And sorry for all the swearing. Close your ear holes.
WHAT THE FUCK!!???
WHO IS THIS JURY??
I GUESS WE KNOW WHERE TO KILL BABIES FREELY! ORLANDO! MICKEY MOUSE!
(new ride at Universal Studios? Drive a Pontiac Sunfire into a Swamp? Ghost of Caylee sitting next to you?)
TOT MOM'S ULTIMATE CON JOB??
I'M SPEAKING IN HEADLINES I'M SO MAD!
Seriously, is Casey Anthony a witch? Did she shoot evil witchcraft out of her weird google eyes at the jury and hypnotize them? Did anyone see the footage of Casey as a little kid. She sounded like a tiny devil. Not cute AT ALL. Like a little jerk. And did you see her hugging that guy after the not guilty verdict? Who was he? How did she already line up a dude? On eHarmababy?
Why is it when I heard the defense talking it sounded like DUH and HEE HAW? Yet it took the jury 10 hours to decide Not Guilty? Really, Baez could barely speak sometimes. He abandoned his opening statement and just went with We will never know what happened...
WE WOULD IF CASEY JUST TOLD THE TRUTH ONE TIME!
I really don't understand just the simple fact: her kid is dead and she does NOTHING!
Caylee was "buried" with her things. So it had to be SOMEONE from the house. Isn't that better than DNA? And PS if they had found DNA, the defense would have argued, yeah, Casey was her mother, of course her DNA is there.
Car smells of death. Her own mother said that.
Chloroform searches and finding chloroform.
More lies.
UGH!
ok. my all caps are scaring me. i will lay off. but COME ON! ok last ones.
Going to talk myself out of the tree.
I guess when they selected a jury that had never heard of this case, it was a narrow group of people. Ones that are either too busy to pay attention to the news or just uninterested. And I think they just ultimately resented being dragged into this big soap opera. It took weeks of their life. Had they gone guilty it would have meant many more weeks.
And it's messed up because Casey didn't care enough about Caylee, and neither did the jury. They just all are going to tip-toe away from the mega-drama of the Tot Mom Explosion. They all have some hot body contests to attend, and this trial was really biting into their time.
It's fucking sad that this little kid got killed by her mom, that nobody cared enough to stop it from happening. That everyone, including me, got so obsessed with hating Casey, that we lost sight of the simple tragedy.
Caylee is dead. And people have gotten very rich and famous off of that fact. And other kids have been killed, but nobody noticed. And there's a war on and there was some kind of bus crash in California and well, I can't even tell you. I have watched this stupid fucking trial all summer so far.
Tonight was my last night watching Nancy Grace.
Okay. for a while.
I just need to get my life back. Think about some other things besides how do you make chloroform, are psychopaths born or bred?, who is the father of Caylee?, what happened the night before Caylee died?, are the parents involved? Did they see this coming? Is there some reasonable doubt? God, I was so SURE!
I watched the whole thing, but I wasn't in the room. Maybe George Anthony gave off something really creepy. Maybe he smelled of death. Maybe the jury just thought the prosecutors were condescending jerks. I bet Jeff Ashton is sorry he laughed at Baez. I laughed too. But no more.
Well, hell. I can't wait to be on a jury. I AM GOING TO BE THE BEST JUROR EVER! I am going to take so many notes! And I love Justice! Pick me! I will be the foreman and say stuff like We find the defendant SUPER GUILTY! And I will point at him with a crooked finger and yell PUNISH!
And I believe in Karma. I mean, isn't that what happened? We all wanted Casey to be put to death and we got punished for that. Oh, and I think Casey will get what she deserves. Which might mean a book deal and a private island, Caylee II.
I also believe in ghosts. She's not going to be able to block Caylee out forever. Biiiiigggg Trooouuble....
I'm going to do healthy things for the rest of the summer. Hoping good things for all the people. No more scary thoughts in Florida.
But what about those Long Island murders...
SO SCARY!
I have been watching this case since the get-go. My husband has given me 24 hrs to be angry/sad/freaking out, so here goes!--warning: I have gone somewhat insane. And sorry for all the swearing. Close your ear holes.
WHAT THE FUCK!!???
WHO IS THIS JURY??
I GUESS WE KNOW WHERE TO KILL BABIES FREELY! ORLANDO! MICKEY MOUSE!
(new ride at Universal Studios? Drive a Pontiac Sunfire into a Swamp? Ghost of Caylee sitting next to you?)
TOT MOM'S ULTIMATE CON JOB??
I'M SPEAKING IN HEADLINES I'M SO MAD!
Seriously, is Casey Anthony a witch? Did she shoot evil witchcraft out of her weird google eyes at the jury and hypnotize them? Did anyone see the footage of Casey as a little kid. She sounded like a tiny devil. Not cute AT ALL. Like a little jerk. And did you see her hugging that guy after the not guilty verdict? Who was he? How did she already line up a dude? On eHarmababy?
Why is it when I heard the defense talking it sounded like DUH and HEE HAW? Yet it took the jury 10 hours to decide Not Guilty? Really, Baez could barely speak sometimes. He abandoned his opening statement and just went with We will never know what happened...
WE WOULD IF CASEY JUST TOLD THE TRUTH ONE TIME!
I really don't understand just the simple fact: her kid is dead and she does NOTHING!
Caylee was "buried" with her things. So it had to be SOMEONE from the house. Isn't that better than DNA? And PS if they had found DNA, the defense would have argued, yeah, Casey was her mother, of course her DNA is there.
Car smells of death. Her own mother said that.
Chloroform searches and finding chloroform.
More lies.
UGH!
ok. my all caps are scaring me. i will lay off. but COME ON! ok last ones.
Going to talk myself out of the tree.
I guess when they selected a jury that had never heard of this case, it was a narrow group of people. Ones that are either too busy to pay attention to the news or just uninterested. And I think they just ultimately resented being dragged into this big soap opera. It took weeks of their life. Had they gone guilty it would have meant many more weeks.
And it's messed up because Casey didn't care enough about Caylee, and neither did the jury. They just all are going to tip-toe away from the mega-drama of the Tot Mom Explosion. They all have some hot body contests to attend, and this trial was really biting into their time.
It's fucking sad that this little kid got killed by her mom, that nobody cared enough to stop it from happening. That everyone, including me, got so obsessed with hating Casey, that we lost sight of the simple tragedy.
Caylee is dead. And people have gotten very rich and famous off of that fact. And other kids have been killed, but nobody noticed. And there's a war on and there was some kind of bus crash in California and well, I can't even tell you. I have watched this stupid fucking trial all summer so far.
Tonight was my last night watching Nancy Grace.
Okay. for a while.
I just need to get my life back. Think about some other things besides how do you make chloroform, are psychopaths born or bred?, who is the father of Caylee?, what happened the night before Caylee died?, are the parents involved? Did they see this coming? Is there some reasonable doubt? God, I was so SURE!
I watched the whole thing, but I wasn't in the room. Maybe George Anthony gave off something really creepy. Maybe he smelled of death. Maybe the jury just thought the prosecutors were condescending jerks. I bet Jeff Ashton is sorry he laughed at Baez. I laughed too. But no more.
Well, hell. I can't wait to be on a jury. I AM GOING TO BE THE BEST JUROR EVER! I am going to take so many notes! And I love Justice! Pick me! I will be the foreman and say stuff like We find the defendant SUPER GUILTY! And I will point at him with a crooked finger and yell PUNISH!
And I believe in Karma. I mean, isn't that what happened? We all wanted Casey to be put to death and we got punished for that. Oh, and I think Casey will get what she deserves. Which might mean a book deal and a private island, Caylee II.
I also believe in ghosts. She's not going to be able to block Caylee out forever. Biiiiigggg Trooouuble....
I'm going to do healthy things for the rest of the summer. Hoping good things for all the people. No more scary thoughts in Florida.
But what about those Long Island murders...
Saturday, May 28, 2011
scary is as scary does
Memorial Day weekend, remembering dead soldiers with bbq tongs and safe enough e coli levels at the beach: Is that a floating diaper? Surfs up!
Well, not me my friend. I am choosing to honor the fallen by staying in on a perfectly sunny day, oh yes all day, here comes night fall, and I am catching up on the Tot Mom trial.
Because I am a very scary person. Oh, sure. I love to cuddle cats, eat candy & will wear a beard for special occasions--(is that scary too? dammit...) The Tot Mom trial is getting all of my attention. You had me at "baby missing for 31 days".
I can't get enough of murderous moms!
I don't even want to talk about it with anyone too much. If you don't know who Tot Mom is, then you get on the google and let Nancy tell you all about it. I am in too deep. I'm all like winnie the pooh blanket, stolen checkbook, xanax?
It's week one of the trial. My husband left some time today. I couldn't say when. He is calling it my superbowl. Is that scary?
To clarify, I'm not pro Tot Mom. I actually hope that by staring at the TV with laser eyes that I can make sure she gets at least life in prison. Just keep staring, and she will stay in jail.
So that is what I'm doing for our fallen soldier Caylee Marie Anthony. That's the tot, by the way.
Someone should probably stop me.
xo
help
Well, not me my friend. I am choosing to honor the fallen by staying in on a perfectly sunny day, oh yes all day, here comes night fall, and I am catching up on the Tot Mom trial.
Because I am a very scary person. Oh, sure. I love to cuddle cats, eat candy & will wear a beard for special occasions--(is that scary too? dammit...) The Tot Mom trial is getting all of my attention. You had me at "baby missing for 31 days".
I can't get enough of murderous moms!
I don't even want to talk about it with anyone too much. If you don't know who Tot Mom is, then you get on the google and let Nancy tell you all about it. I am in too deep. I'm all like winnie the pooh blanket, stolen checkbook, xanax?
It's week one of the trial. My husband left some time today. I couldn't say when. He is calling it my superbowl. Is that scary?
To clarify, I'm not pro Tot Mom. I actually hope that by staring at the TV with laser eyes that I can make sure she gets at least life in prison. Just keep staring, and she will stay in jail.
So that is what I'm doing for our fallen soldier Caylee Marie Anthony. That's the tot, by the way.
Someone should probably stop me.
xo
help
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Band-Aids :o
Band-Aids are scary. You know, used ones.
Ahh!! Just typing that scared me!
They are like little curtains to a tiny horror show. Behind every Band-Aid is something to cry about.
Sometimes people wear Band-aids on their face. That means it's so bad. That person had to put a bandage on their face rather then show the world how scary their face has gotten.
Imagine eating Band-Aids.
This is getting gross. But say you had to! The had to scenario...visiting a friend in a foreign country. It's the custom to eat used Band-aids in..where are the Johnson & Johnsons from? There. Eat up.
And why not just say Johnsons? That's scary. "oh, I'm JohnSON and he's JOHNson! There's a difference, OKAY!! Write Johnson & Johnson on EVERYTHING, got it? I don't care how long it takes. Eat your lunch on your own time, like for dinner. When you're here you eat Band-Aids." They are scary bosses. You can tell.
Bear Grylls probably eats Band-Aids for the protein. He doesn't remember what stuff is supposed to taste like. Or he has no mouth. It's just a hole that descends right into his stomach, Plop!
Confession: one time, when I worked at a cafe, and it was a busy lunch and I was by myself, and well, I made sandwiches and salads, and I know I HAD been wearing a Band-Aid when the lunch rush started. But I couldn't find it when things died down. I looked. I walked by all the tables and checked on people as they bit into a turkey sandwiches with swiss. The hot and sour soup really looked like a Band-Aid soup. And that day maybe it was...
Ahh!
I decided to go with Band-Aid rather than adhesive bandages because nobody would say that except some kind of anti-globalization hippie (hunch). Just like Kleenex. Although I do like saying "tissue". That is a fun word.
Remember how scary Band Aid was? That thing in the 80s, run by Bob Geldof. That was the weirdest part. Like who was that guy? Boomtown Rats had one song, "I don't like Mondays", and that song was about a kid going Klebold. Why did he get to do all that and everyone listened and showed up? Something up with that. Something probably really scary.
Gonna go nab that Boomtown song for my pod.
"Nobody's gonna go to school today, she's gonna make them stay at home!"
--ps why isn't that song a movie?
--pps why is it the best song ever now?
-PPSS I think I will do anything Sir Bob Geldof tells me.
PPsss Ok, nothing. hi. xo
Ahh!! Just typing that scared me!
They are like little curtains to a tiny horror show. Behind every Band-Aid is something to cry about.
Sometimes people wear Band-aids on their face. That means it's so bad. That person had to put a bandage on their face rather then show the world how scary their face has gotten.
Imagine eating Band-Aids.
This is getting gross. But say you had to! The had to scenario...visiting a friend in a foreign country. It's the custom to eat used Band-aids in..where are the Johnson & Johnsons from? There. Eat up.
And why not just say Johnsons? That's scary. "oh, I'm JohnSON and he's JOHNson! There's a difference, OKAY!! Write Johnson & Johnson on EVERYTHING, got it? I don't care how long it takes. Eat your lunch on your own time, like for dinner. When you're here you eat Band-Aids." They are scary bosses. You can tell.
Bear Grylls probably eats Band-Aids for the protein. He doesn't remember what stuff is supposed to taste like. Or he has no mouth. It's just a hole that descends right into his stomach, Plop!
Confession: one time, when I worked at a cafe, and it was a busy lunch and I was by myself, and well, I made sandwiches and salads, and I know I HAD been wearing a Band-Aid when the lunch rush started. But I couldn't find it when things died down. I looked. I walked by all the tables and checked on people as they bit into a turkey sandwiches with swiss. The hot and sour soup really looked like a Band-Aid soup. And that day maybe it was...
Ahh!
I decided to go with Band-Aid rather than adhesive bandages because nobody would say that except some kind of anti-globalization hippie (hunch). Just like Kleenex. Although I do like saying "tissue". That is a fun word.
Remember how scary Band Aid was? That thing in the 80s, run by Bob Geldof. That was the weirdest part. Like who was that guy? Boomtown Rats had one song, "I don't like Mondays", and that song was about a kid going Klebold. Why did he get to do all that and everyone listened and showed up? Something up with that. Something probably really scary.
Gonna go nab that Boomtown song for my pod.
"Nobody's gonna go to school today, she's gonna make them stay at home!"
--ps why isn't that song a movie?
--pps why is it the best song ever now?
-PPSS I think I will do anything Sir Bob Geldof tells me.
PPsss Ok, nothing. hi. xo
Saturday, May 21, 2011
End of the World!
It's all over in two hours-ish. Can't say for sure--my compy's clock is always wrong. It's a really lame Twilight Zone episode, where I'm just five minutes early for everything. I'm like: where is everybody oh my god! and they are like: you are just early, Mary.
But, oh yeah. End of World! Done! I just finished a leftover Burrito. Is that what they meant by tie up loose ends?
Was expecting to see some Rapture dancers at Union Square today. Nope, just dumb kids in a parade in costumes, marching bands, people on stilts--Boring! It's the end of the world! Let's step it up a bit, peoples.
I guess the Rapturites are up on a hill somewhere. Hopefully someone remembered a hibachi to cook up some last day wieners. You could get hungry waiting for angels to come--that's what the deal is right?
Pretty sure we are going to be okay because...
Christians aren't great at math. Remember when they said the Earth was made in 7 days? And the big flood, 40 days? Remember that movie Six days, Seven nights? That always makes me think.
The scariest thing about the end of the world is that a bunch of people believe it. And then they are not going to have that to believe in at 6:08. I was gonna say 6:01, but they will give it a few minutes I bet.
What can they believe in to replace the end of the world? Wide pants are back? Cheese filled cheese filled pizza? Then end of Seinfeld reruns?
I'm going to think of some stuff for them to believe in and send them a message. But if you run into anyone, can you throw a blanket over them around 6pm? Like you know you would do with a parrot to tell it to go to sleep?
But, oh yeah. End of World! Done! I just finished a leftover Burrito. Is that what they meant by tie up loose ends?
Was expecting to see some Rapture dancers at Union Square today. Nope, just dumb kids in a parade in costumes, marching bands, people on stilts--Boring! It's the end of the world! Let's step it up a bit, peoples.
I guess the Rapturites are up on a hill somewhere. Hopefully someone remembered a hibachi to cook up some last day wieners. You could get hungry waiting for angels to come--that's what the deal is right?
Pretty sure we are going to be okay because...
Christians aren't great at math. Remember when they said the Earth was made in 7 days? And the big flood, 40 days? Remember that movie Six days, Seven nights? That always makes me think.
The scariest thing about the end of the world is that a bunch of people believe it. And then they are not going to have that to believe in at 6:08. I was gonna say 6:01, but they will give it a few minutes I bet.
What can they believe in to replace the end of the world? Wide pants are back? Cheese filled cheese filled pizza? Then end of Seinfeld reruns?
I'm going to think of some stuff for them to believe in and send them a message. But if you run into anyone, can you throw a blanket over them around 6pm? Like you know you would do with a parrot to tell it to go to sleep?
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